Extreme Coffee Problems
(It turns out that the issues go far deeper than some simple “but first coffee” art on Pinterest.)
Standard coffee problems: Don’t speak until I have coffee.
Anger management coffee problems: If you choose to speak before I have my coffee, I will have to kill you. And if there’s one true coffee drinker on that jury, I’ll walk, too.
Travel coffee problems: There’s a language barrier between me and coffee. (Tip: Find and point at the nearest coffee drinker while speaking high school French — no matter where you are —and gesticulating.)
Travel coffee problems 2: I’ll miss my flight if I stop for coffee. (This may not be a problem. Is there a second, same-day flight?)
Seasonal coffee problems: In the time it takes you to ask if I wanted that iced, which I would have told you, I could be DRINKING FREAKING COFFEE.
Etiquette coffee problems. You finished off the coffee, said nothing, and didn’t buy more. (Wait there for a few seconds while I get a gun license and a gun. I mean, what?)
Marital coffee problems: You said you’d buy coffee, and you got a haircut instead. (Alternate: You used every dairy product we have on your granola without mentioning it.)
PMS coffee problems: I’m just sitting here bawling while I wait forever for the coffee to brew. Life, right? It’s a bittersweet symphony. Do we have more kleenex?
Slutty coffee problems. You brought me coffee without asking? Take your clothes off.
Friendship-straining coffee problems: You went to Pavement and didn’t ask if I wanted one.
Work-related coffee problems: You went to Pavement and didn’t ask if I wanted one — and we work together.
Friendship-ending coffee problems: “Oh yeah, I have coffee. Let me make you some right now. Here you go. It’s this really good decaf.” (This person should not be trusted. Leave right away if you can.)
Logic-related coffee problems: If you don’t carry non-dairy milk, I can’t have coffee. If I can’t have coffee, I can’t go to your restaurant. If I can’t go to your restaurant, you’re a moron. Way to pick up some almond milk, moron. Oh fine, I’ll have an espresso.
Parental coffee problems: Just because I spend $5 on coffee does not mean you didn’t teach me the value of money. It just means that I’m willing to subvert my values in service of coffee.
Child labor related coffee problems: Honey, if you’re old enough to bike to school, you’re old enough to learn how to make me a good cup of coffee.
Political coffee problems: The people talking about voting for Trump may not have had their coffee. Possibly for years. The New York Observer — look into it.